When to Worry about your Child

As Parents we’re really good at noticing everything that isn't working, seeing all the things that might go wrong - we’re good at worrying. So when is it good to worry? And When is it plain unhelpful?

Our brains are hardwired to search for problems, it’s an evolutionary trait that’s helped humans adapt and survive. But for us parents, it can get us into trouble. Our brains are constantly scanning for, ‘What’s wrong?’ and soon enough we latch onto something that needs correcting. 

Our deep love for our children means they’re easy targets for our need to fix something. We would move mountains to make life go well for our child - so the smallest hint of a problem can set us off worrying. It’s not our fault, it’s the way our mind is wired.

As we worry our child senses our increasing concern for them. They might not know exactly what we're bothered about but they know something is amiss. That makes them feel on edge. When children feel tense their behaviour flares. Inevitably whatever behaviour or issue we were focused on gets worse. 

We're stuck in a worry loop. 

But how do we know when our worrying is valid and when it's unhelpful?

A good rule of thumb is: 

Is what you are worrying about in the here and now? 

Or are you worried about something that might happen in the future? 

What if….??!!! Imagined fear

Or

What Now? The objective facts

If it’s about something that might, or might not happen in the future it's likely to be an unhelpful worry. It’s a cue to back off and do your own emotional work, pay attention to your behaviour and pull back from focusing on your child.

The good news is we simply need to change our part in the loop to change the whole dynamic. When we get off the worry loop and become more relaxed, our child senses this and relaxes too. Since children function best when they are calm and connected, their behaviour improves.

We need to separate fear of what might happen from the facts of the present.

This can feel quite a relief. We’re no longer preoccupied with fixing our child, instead we’re changing our part in the worry loop. When that happens the whole relationship changes and our child’s behaviour improves without using a single parenting technique!

Here’s how it went for a Sydney Mum of three,“I was really worried about my 4yo son. He had such a hard time at preschool drop off. I tried everything. The staff suggested a quick goodbye but he was so distraught when I left I felt awful. So I tried staying with him until he was ready for me to go, but he never wanted me to leave. I was feeling totally overwhelmed about what to do. I felt like I must have failed my son. What had I done wrong that he was so upset about being left? Other kids seem to find it easy. I began wondering if there was something wrong with my son.

With coaching from Rachel Schofield, I started to pay attention to my own feelings. I realised I was feeling really anxious about leaving him at preschool. I was worried he wouldn’t make friends, that he might be unhappy. I was worried how others would treat him. 

I also joined the dots with a bad experience I’d had at preschool - I think that got tangled up with taking my son’s experience. But I knew my son’s preschool was a good palace and I trusted the staff, so my anxiety wasn’t warranted. The staff told me that my son played well and got along with the other kids.

I could separate the here and now from my imagined fears. I could see that my son was having a hard time separating from me but that didn't mean he would have a bad day or wouldn’t make friends. Nor did it mean I’d failed as a parent.

As I worked on and released my own fears I became more relaxed. I processed the hurts I’d felt as a young child at preschool. I became confident that my son would be okay. This made all the difference in the world. I was no longer treating him as the problem. I was focusing on myself, the emotional tension I carried and what I could do differently. This meant I could support him so much better. Whilst he was still upset at drop off, I could anchor him through those feelings and leave him in the safe hands of his preferred Educator. Rachel taught me ways of helping my son feel more confident and at ease about being apart from me. Nowadays drop off goes smoothly most days.”

So when to worry about your child? When what you notice in the present, the facts of the here and now concerns you. And even then the most effective way to help our child is to focus on ourselves - what we can shift in our behaviour rather than zoom in on fixing our child. 

The question to ask is: What are the reality needs of my child?